VIKING SQUADRON

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Humor

How to Be a Fighter Pilot

 

 

 

 

Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!

Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."

ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ...

ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

The German air controllers at  Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.  They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

 Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

 Ground: "Guten morgen!  You will taxi to your  gate!"

 The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

 Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

 Ground (with some arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

 Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In  another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."

RULES FOR PILOTS:

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling
the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
being up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.

10. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide
out in clouds.

11. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take-offs you've made.

12. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag
of luck.

14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

15. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour,
the ground has yet to lose.

17. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.

18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as
much as possible.

19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

20. Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
a law that is not subject to repeal.

21. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, a runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.